ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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