i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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