I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
