I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
