My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
