I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
