Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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