My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize