Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
