My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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