yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
