if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
