one might say we're banned from that church
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
