my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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