Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
