Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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