Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
