after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
