put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
