This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
