i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
