just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
