Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
