Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
