I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
