Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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