so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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