Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
