Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
