my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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