I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
