i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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