If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
