Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
