If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
