Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
