Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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