I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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