Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize