I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
