I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
