Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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