tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
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