How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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