My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
