You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
