Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
