How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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