I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
