i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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