YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
