what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
