you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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