just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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