i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
