Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
