he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
