Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
