Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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