So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
