Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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