My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize