if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
